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Our Essence is the Spiritual and Physical manifestations of what the Divine Source wants for us. Our Essence desires to be it's Full-self on all Planes.



Meditation to Understand Myself

Che Guebuddha

Meditation to Understand Myself


I practiced Ki-breathing for about 7 month and I indeed felt much positive change in my life. My wife too felt me being much calmer but yet I felt that there where forces inside of me which had a life of their own, something going on inside of me which was out of my control, out of my understanding.    

Even though I felt better and much more grounded I felt my anger still being there, my fears, my worries also (to lesser extent but still there). This made me search for a way into myself to understand how does anger, worry, fear come to be!

After some search I found myself practicing Shamatha-Vipassana. At first facing with myself was very disturbing and the fact that my thoughts and emotions were running on their own accord without me being in control of them.
I am not talking about intellectually discovering this but actually while watching myself while sitting cross-legged (or in Seiza).
I came to understand how conditioned myself, my mind realy is! I mean I couldn't even make my own mind to be silent if I wanted it to do so!!! I was in shock but cooled down by realising that even this shock is a reaction connected to my conditioned thoughts-emotions making me feel bad about myself.

So I remained sitting silently while being aware of my whole body breathing.

QUOTE from The Collected Works Ojai California 3rd Public Talk 1945

Questioner: I want to understand myself, I want to put an end to my stupid struggles and make a definite effort to live fully and truly.

Krishnamurti: What do you mean when you use the term 'myself'? As you are many and ever changing is there an enduring moment when you can say that this is the ever me? It is the multiple entity, the bundle of memories that must be understood and not seemingly the one entity that calls itself the me. We are everchanging contradictory thoughts-feelings: love and hate, peace and passion, intelligence and ignorance. Now which is the me in all of this? Shall I choose what is most pleasing and discard the rest? Who is it that must understand these contradictory and conflicting selves? Is there a permanent self, a spiritual entity apart from these? Is not that self also the continuing result of the conflict of many entities? Is there a self that is above and beyond all contradictory selves? The truth of it can be experienced only when the contradictory selves are understood and transcended. All the conflicting entities which make up the me have also brought into being the other me, the observer, the analyser. To understand myself I must understand the many parts of myself including the I who has become the watcher, the I who understands. The thinker must not only understand his many contradictory thoughts but he must understand himself as the creator of these many entities. The I, the thinker, the observer watches his opposing and conflicting thoughts-feelings as though he were not part of them, as though he were above and beyond them, controlling, guiding, shaping. But is not the I, the thinker, also these conflicts? Has he not created them? Whatever the level, is the thinker separate from his thoughts? The thinker is the creator of opposing urges, assuming different roles at different times according to his pleasure and pain. To comprehend himself the thinker must come upon himself through his many aspects. A tree is not just the flower and the fruit but is the total process. Similarly to understand myself I must without identification and choice be aware of the total process that is the me.



It is not easy watching myself as I first thought it will be (notice the word "thought"). I thought it will be more like me observing myself and in that Light of Awareness all the conditioned thoughts will disappear and I will feel happy and relaxed, not to use the word enlightened ;-)
I didn't become happier but I did become more relaxed and I came to understand that all my thoughts come from my hidden Desires and Aversions.
I can not approach myself in meditation through intellectualizing, through using my conditioned thoughts. Actually I can't do it by using action of any sort. Instead I am to give up all "seeking towards" and just simply be sitting in silence watching what takes place without judging it, without clinging to it without rejecting it.

This practice is to be taken as serious as we do daily sleeping, eating, drinking water, taking our close on, defecating, washing ourselves, performing self-reiki. Not as something special (fancy) but something ordinary something every day, something simple, very simple.
By saying "this practice" I am not labeling it with the name Shamatha, forget the name! Water is just a word, not the water itself 
It is watching oneself as one Is every passing moment that counts.

Understanding Myself comes not from the intellectual but from experiential! This can not be forced. My Ego-self is fighting against the change like a drug-addict! It will create all sorts of distraction in form of discomfort (which this very ego will try to avoid, just another ego game) while sitting in meditation or off the cushion while doing our every day activities.
All I can do is not fight against it, but only watch it. Without me feeding them with energy all those desires and aversions can not live on their own. I am breeding those thoughts (note the "I") I am the fertile ground for this entire inner field overgrown in weed and the only way to get it sorted is to burn the fields of ignorance by spreading the ray of awareness over it.

In Meditation - through calming the body the mind is calmed, through calming the mind concentration is naturally achieved, through such concentration arises insight - the energy is free 

Quote- by Krishnamurti;
Being aware of conditionning

Now, can the mind be aware of its own conditioning and not try to battle against it? When the mind is aware that it is conditioned and does not battle against it, only then is the mind free to give its complete attention to this conditioning. The difficulty is to be aware of conditioning without the distraction of trying to do something about it. But if the mind is constantly aware of the known, that is, of the prejudices, the assumptions, the beliefs, the desires, the illusory thinking of our daily life, if it is aware of all this without trying to be free, then that very awareness brings its own freedom. Then perhaps it is possible for the mind to be really still, not just still at a certain level of consciousness and frightfully agitated below. There can be total stillness of the mind only when the mind understands the whole problem of conditioning, how it is conditioned, which means watching, off and on, every movement of thought, being aware of the assumptions, the beliefs, the fears. Then perhaps there is a total stillness of the mind in which something beyond the mind can come into being.
Sydney 5th Public Talk 23rd November, 1955 The Collected Works


Remain relaxed!
p.s. a book which helpped me alot is called Freedom From The Known
Everything works if you let it be. A Sage does nothing and yet achieves everything.